["Where The Devil Don't Stay" by Drive-By Truckers plays]
Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Pat!
Hello, what the fuck up, Vegas?
Okay, cousin, you can sit down now.
What the fuck up? It's hot as fuck in Vegas!
Yeah!
It's so hot, white people, you got to be careful when you tanning.
You fuck around and fall asleep, and wake up a nigga.
I'm just concerned about you white people.
So, I'm a grandmother. I'm a grandmother.
I know you're looking at me like, "Are you a fucking grandmother?"
Yes!
Black don't crack, but it do deteriorate.
A bitch knees hurt.
And I got on two pantyliners. One in the front and one in the back.
My son mad at me. He mad because I'm not excited
to be a grandmother.
I'm like, "Fuck your kids."
Bitch, I've been a mama since I was 14 years old.
I'm not excited about your ugly-ass kids.
He gonna tell me,
"What type of grandmother you are? Never want to keep your grandkids."
I say, "Nigga...
I'm the type of grandmother that still fuck."
"Don't bring them ugly-ass kids over to my house,
I'll put Grandpa's dick in their hand."
Not for real, white people.
That's how you get out of fucking keeping kids.
They talk too fucking much. My granddaughter talks too fucking much.
My daughter-in-law called me one day, she was like,
"Ms. Pat, could you pick up Ashley from school?"
I'm like, "Fuck, okay."
I get up to the school, y'all, and I get her,
and I don't like it because she likes to start a fucking conversation.
I don't want to talk to no damn kid, okay?
I'm a 47-year-old black woman with hot flashes.
Bitch, talk to me when your titties heat up to 99 degrees.
So, I pick her up and I put her in the car like, "Put your seat belt on."
And out of nowhere, y'all, she started a fucking conversation.
She was like, "Grandmama?" I'm like, "What, baby?"
She say, "My mama said you get on her motherfucking nerves."
And I said, "Fuck your mama. She get on my motherfucking nerves.
That's why your little brothers are ugly,
you ain't got no edges, and my son ain't gonna marry your mama."
Don't "" me, she started that shit.
You think I'm supposed to let her win because she's five years old?
Fuck that baby.
She talks too much!
She talks too fucking much and that's what I keep telling my son.
I'm like, "You need to bust your daughter in the jaw."
My granddaughter tells all my son's business.
My granddaughter goes to school from my house,
'cause I live in a nice neighborhood.
White people, you call that fucking cheating.
But black people call that higher education.
So she goes to school from my house,
she goes to school and tells her fucking teacher,
"My mommy and daddy fell on hard times, so we moved out of our house
into an apartment until we can get back on our feet."
Like she pays fucking bills.
The teacher called me and was like,
"Ms. Pat, Ashley said you guys moved out of the neighborhood."
I was like, "What? Don't listen to her, she smokes weed."
Stupid-ass child.
That's why I don't fuck with my family to this day.
I do not fuck with my family, y'all.
'Cause five years ago, I went home to Atlanta to celebrate with my family
because it was the first time we was all out of jail at the same fucking time.
I pull up in Atlanta, my niece called me.
She was like, "Auntie, I need a favor." I'm like, "What do you want?"
She said, "My sister is homeless and she got four kids.
One of the babies is two weeks old. Can they please come live with you?
I know you just built that big-ass house in Indiana."
And I said, "Fuck no, bitch!
Them crack babies ain't coming to my house and write on my new walls."
My son was on the call, he was like, "Mama, you should help her out."
I'm like, "Why?" He said, "When you was down and out, somebody helped you out.
Do you remember the time Daddy shot you in the head,
dragged you behind that truck and gave you them STDs?"
I'm like, "Damn, nigga. You remember all that shit?
Let's go get the crack babies and their mama."
I go over and I pick up my niece
and I take her back to my husband with the four kids.
I'm like, "Look, the crack babies and their mama coming to live with us."
On the way home from Atlanta to Indiana, y'all,
my chest started hurting really bad.
So I tell my husband, "Pull the fuck over, my chest hurts.
I'm having a heart attack."
He was like, "Calm down, your ass ain't having no heart attack."
He said, "What you're having is an anxiety attack."
I'm like, "What the fuck make you think I'm having that?"
He was like, "Look in the backseat.
You just picked up five niggas, and you don't know how you'll feed them."
I get my niece back to Indiana, y'all, I help her get off drugs,
I co-sign for a car, a job, apartment, every fucking thing.
Two years in, this bitch run off and leave me with these four crack babies.
Don't "aw," just a crackhead story,
it's a good ending.
Now, I'm raising a five, a seven--
I don't know how old these motherfuckers is, they just still at my fucking house.
And let me just say this to y'all,
this is not my first set of crack babies I've raised.
This is my third fucking set.
I raised my sister's kids, my sister-in-law's kids,
now I got my niece's kids.
I had to go talk with God. I said, "Look, God,
I'm done being your crack baby keeper.
You got to find somebody else for this shit, I'm too old."
'Cause I don't know if y'all know anything about crack babies,
but these new crack babies ain't nothing like these fucking '90s crack babies.
These new motherfuckers come with technology.
I got a five-year-old running around my house, "Where my iPad at?"
I'm like, "How the fuck you can work an iPad but you shit on yourself?"
Can you Google how to shit in a toilet?
Can Elsa show you how to "Let It Go" the right way?
And I took these kids out of the inner city of Atlanta,
and I put them in a neighborhood that looks just like this room
if you get rid of these three black people.
Two. I'm sorry. I called you a nigga. I'm sorry.
And one thing I realized by raising these crack babies
in this all white neighborhood, y'all,
white schools will call you for any-fucking-thing.
Black schools, they don't do that shit.
We tell them, "Bitch, that's your child till 2:30, don't you wake me up."
And they call you for dumb shit, too.
My very first phone call was for my niece Yolanda.
The teacher called, like, "Ms. Pat, can you come up to the school?"
I'm like, "For what?" "It's an emergency."
I'm like, "Damn. I got to take a bath, put on a wig and put on a bra?"
I get up to the school, y'all,
come to find out my niece Yolanda's sitting at the crayon table
with all her little white friends
and they're talking about their daddies.
And she say, "Well, the next time I see my daddy,
I'm going to stab him in the neck."
And all the white kids started crying,
"Yolanda gonna stab her daddy in the neck!"
I'm like, "Ma'am, you call me up to this school for this bullshit?
She can't stab her daddy in the neck.
That nigga in jail, somebody else going to stab him in the neck."
Just relax, just relax. It's funny, okay?
Just relax.
White people be staring at you like you reading the Bible,
like, "What the fuck are you talking about?"
Buckle up, white bitch.
I'm about to take you on a negro field trip.
I have a niece named Portia.
She's weird as fuck, right?
She weird as fuck.
She's in the third grade, but she reads on the tenth grade level.
I told my husband, like, "This baby's as smart as fuck.
Her mama did the good dope with her."
But she do crazy shit, like she loves
pulling her own tooth, y'all.
I don't even know if they be ready.
She just snatch them out of her mouth and bring them to you.
"Look, Auntie, I pulled my tooth."
I said, "You pull one more motherfucking tooth, crack baby,
I'm gonna uppercut the shit out your ass."
Her whole front grill is gone for eight dollars.
So it's three girls and a boy. I have a nephew named Ramon, right?
So I'm giving him a bath one day and I'm washing the back of him,
I was like, "Turn around, Ramon, so I can wash the front of you."
You know, this kid turned around. He had the biggest dick I ever seen.
And it had a hook in it, too. I was like, "Nigga!"
"Put your dick down!"
He was like, "What's a dick, Auntie?"
I dropped that fucking soap and I ran up out of there.
I told my husband, "We can't raise this boy in this all white neighborhood."
He was like, "Why?"
I was like, "He's gonna slay these bitches!"
They're going to be on our roof like kitty cats.
That baby got a big old dick.
White girls, y'all seen that shit
when Nicki Minaj's boyfriend fucking broke the internet with that dick?
It's that type of dick.
You know, you can't suck it like this, you gotta suck it in the headlock.
Ain't no white man laughing at me, like, "What the fuck are they talking about?"
White girl, explain that joke to your white husband.
I tell you, see, like when I first got custody of this kid,
he was thug as fuck.
Now, all he do is cry like a little white kid.
I'm home a couple weeks ago, he's crying,
"Auntie, they're picking on me. They're picking on me."
I'm like, "Ramon, stop that motherfucking crying!
Big dick niggas don't cry."
Little dick niggas cry!
I like people who appreciate that joke, "Yeah, I know."
Before school ended last year, the principal called me.
She was like, "Ms. Pat, I need to talk to you."
I'm like, "What the fuck you want? I'm not at home."
Call all the fucking time for nothing. I'm like, "What do you want?"
She was like, "Ramon said a bad word." I'm like, "Okay, ma'am, what did he say?"
She said, "I could never say what Ramon said."
So, as you can see I like to curse.
My favorite word is nigga and motherfucker.
I say it all day everyday.
So I'm thinking to myself, "Did Ramon go up to this white school
and call one of these white kids the N-word?"
So, I was like, "Ma'am, what did he say?"
She was like, "I could never say it." I said, "Okay, put him on the phone."
She put him on the phone, he was like, "Hello, Auntie."
I said, "Nigga, what the fuck you done said at that motherfucking school?"
He was like, "Auntie, all I said was 'Jesus Christ'."
I said, "Put that bitch back on the phone."
Like, "Ma'am, are you for real?"
She was like, "Yes, Miss Pat.
You can't say Jesus Christ when you're frustrated
unless you're on your knees."
I'm like, "Bitch, if I'm on my knees, I'm trying to get my car note paid."
Can y'all explain this joke to these people over here, please?
But if you see these crack babies now,
you'd never believe I pulled these kids out of a crack house five years ago.
They are bougie as fuck.
I had them in the car with me one day,
I was like, "Y'all want something to eat?"
My niece Yolanda was like, "Yes, ma'am."
I said, "You want some McDonald's?" She was like, "McDonald's?
We don't eat McDonald's. We eat Chick-fil-A."
And I'm thinking to myself, "Really, bitch?
Because I remember when you didn't eat at all."
These kids don't know how good they got it, y'all,
'cause I grew up in the inner city of Atlanta
in a bootleg house with my grandfather, y'all.
You hear me?
Everything went in his house,
from gambling, to prostitution, to niggas getting shot,
every-fucking-thing.
I remember my mom used to love to shoot craps, but she had one leg.
So before she got on the floor to shoot the craps,
she would take her one leg off.
And the reason why she took her one leg off,
in case she threw the dice too far,
she could use her leg to pull them bitches back.
But what I remember most about this house is
my granddaddy used to love to watch wrestling.
He had this thing about black wrestlers beating the shit out of white wrestlers.
Like, Thunderbolt Patterson...
He was screaming at the TV when Thunderbolt Patterson
was beating up somebody white.
"Kill that cracker!"
And I'd be sitting next to him, "Kill that cracker!"
And I had no fucking clue you white people was supposed to be crackers.
So when I got older, 'cause this shit was shot in Atlanta,
when I got older I wanted to go see a match on my own, y'all.
So I'm at... I'm at Peachtree downtown.
I go... I go to this... I'm on my way to the wrestling match
and I stopped at a Marriott Hotel to call my brother.
I'm like, "Hurry the fuck up, we're going to miss the goddamn match."
He was like, "I'm on my way." So I hang up the phone and I look up
and this white man is staring at me.
He was like, "Hey, how you doing?" I'm like, "Hey, how you doing?"
He was like, "You want to go back to my room with me?"
I'm like, "Okay."
I ain't never been to a Marriott Hotel before.
Especially not in their room.
He opened the door, y'all,
and the first thing I noticed, he had fucking air conditioning.
We didn't have AC when we were coming up.
We had that one fan that my mama kept in front of her pussy
and it blew her pussy all through the house all day.
Like, "Can somebody tell mama her pussy stinks today?"
He go over to the little refrigerator in the hotel room,
he open the door, y'all, and he give me a real Coca-Cola.
At this time in my life, I had never had a real Coca-Cola.
Colas, and maybe Kool-Aid, but not Coca-Cola.
I was so fucking excited, I popped that shit and I drunk it in one swallow.
He walked me over to the bed, he don't say shit,
he just unzipped his pants and take out his white dick.
And I had never seen a white dick before, y'all.
And white dicks look like an uncooked chicken leg to me.
Look at all the white dudes, like, "What the fuck is she talking about?"
And he wrapped my hand around, he made me go up and down and up and down,
and I'm thinking to myself, "Is this how white people barbecue?
'Cause this chicken leg needs some fucking seasoning salt."
About five minutes in, something came out of the chicken leg, y'all,
so he took it out of my hand and he wiped my hand off
and he gave me $100.
I'm like, "Sir, are you going to be here tomorrow?"
I couldn't wait to get home to tell my mama.
I'm like, "Mama, a white man's downtown giving you $100
to hold onto uncooked chicken legs."
My mama was like, "Where they at, bitch? Where they at?"
That was a lot of fucking money for an 11-year-old.
Fuck you, white people!
That's more money than your lemonade stands ever fucking made.
You ain't never made that kind of money at your shitty-ass
lemonade stand.
Fuck y'all, that white man was creating jobs in the black community.
Hey y'all. I'm Ms. Pat. Thank y'all so very much.
Goodnight, goodnight.
Thank you, thank you, thank you...
["Where The Devil Don't Stay" plays]